Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
