I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
