So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
