Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
