: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
