that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
