I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
