I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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