Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
