Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
