I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
