SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
