This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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