How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Randomize
