I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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