I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize