This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
