Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize