Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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