Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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