Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
