So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
