OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
