I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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