I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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