flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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