I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize