The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize