i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I will pee on everything he values.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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