would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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