I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
we're so committed to being not committed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
