Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
