Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My cat gives me a boner
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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