Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
