oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize