My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
