Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
