Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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