he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
