I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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