you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
