Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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