My liver just broke up with me...
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
