OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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