he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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