instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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