Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
