You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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