Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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