Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize