I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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