another moral hangover. fuck.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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