Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
