remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
