DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
