Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
