I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
