The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize