I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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