Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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