I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
