Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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