She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
