I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
